(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
You Might Also Like
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
The news
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm