Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Body by sandwich.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.