Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

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friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4


When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.


Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”


Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?


Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim



Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”


‘Failed to send tweet,’ is Twitter’s polite way of saying, ‘Dude..’


Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That’s like naming your kid Dentist.


According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now


Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.