@shutupmikeginn

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

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@daemonic3

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

@MomofTeen

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

@BruceForce

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

@evildadatron

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

@bea_ker

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

@ShoutingGoddess

‘Failed to send tweet,’ is Twitter’s polite way of saying, ‘Dude..’

@KevinFarzad

Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That’s like naming your kid Dentist.

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

@Jake1000001

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.