Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
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“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I put the hot in psychotic.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.