Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
*offers Batman cough drops*