Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
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*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
can’t talk my ride’s here
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today