DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Me recordaron éste meme
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*jazz hands*
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.