Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
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“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
How animals would run if they were human
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.