If you’re testing me, we failed.
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
When the stylist spins you back around
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.