Don’t tell me what to do.

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I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.


her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist


Nephew: Wouldn’t it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We’re about to find out, kid.


me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose


I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.


“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”


I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.


We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain


If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.