@JustHadOneJob

Don’t tell me what to do.

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@RocketRankoon

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

@prufrockluvsong

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

@Karissajem

Nephew: Wouldn’t it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We’re about to find out, kid.

@_ElvishPresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

@SCbchbum

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

@Carmel_Coleman

I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.

@isabelzawtun

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

@dmc1138

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.