Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
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Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]