Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

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A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.


[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.


It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.


[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby


A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.


SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.


I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.


My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.


You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem