@LeahTiscione

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

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@KyleMcDowell86

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

@cybersoybean

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

@Browtweaten

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@sixfootcandy

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

@ZombieProblms

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.