A new level of troll.
You Might Also Like
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention