@jwoodham: Don't text and drive. Just pull over until you're done using your phone. That's what I do. I've been on the side of the road since 2011.
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@Macar00ny: Give a man a subtweet and he'll be like "is this about me?" Teach a man to subtweet you'll be like "is that about me?"
@GuttaLikeNoOtha: One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn't Nintendo.
@MentalAbortions: I'm pretty sure they weren't talking about stupid when they told you, "If you got it flaunt it."
@daemonic3: The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.