Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now