Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…