“Are you crying .?” “No, my eyes are sweating -_____-” #ITTS
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
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If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnaping?
When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
[Day 1 of school at home]
8:32 am: Kids ate breakfast; school work started; this is easy
8:38 am: 2 kids yelling at each other; 1 kid in tears; shortage of looseleaf paper discovered; dog whining; online passwords not working; house on fire; zombies in backyard; meteors falling
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house