Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
You Might Also Like
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Ghost costume 😂
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Day 2 of my diet
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings