*sprinkles rose petals*
*puts on Barry White*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
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One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn’t be president and Trump said “hold my beer, watch this”
I like it soft and warm. Uh huh. Yea girl, go ahead and throw that figgy pudding in the microwave for a bit.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My Christian mingle username is: GAY4GOD hit me up, looking for love
Them: Do you know what your problem is?