Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
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[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.