@lovemydogduck

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

@funflaps

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

@RunwayDan

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

@TheMichaelRock

I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn’t be president and Trump said “hold my beer, watch this”

@novicefather

I like it soft and warm. Uh huh. Yea girl, go ahead and throw that figgy pudding in the microwave for a bit.

@lazerdoov

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

@TheHyyyype

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

@ahhhpatrick

My Christian mingle username is: GAY4GOD hit me up, looking for love