@AaronFullerton

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

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@Donna_McCoy

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

@ErinChack

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

@carlyken

9: Mom! Where’s my Spiderman costume? I want to wear it to the science museum
“In your closet, why?”
9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: should I kill my enemies with kindness?

Me: that’s the last thing you should do.

Daughter: oh.

Me: first fight them with forgiveness.

Daughter:

Me: stab them with a smile.

Daughter:

Me: bludgeon them with inner beauty.

Daughter:

Me: then kill them with kindness

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!