My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Sometimes I’ll break into a house to turn down a thermostat
9: Mom! Where’s my Spiderman costume? I want to wear it to the science museum
“In your closet, why?”
9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!
Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Daughter: should I kill my enemies with kindness?
Me: that’s the last thing you should do.
Me: first fight them with forgiveness.
Me: stab them with a smile.
Me: bludgeon them with inner beauty.
Me: then kill them with kindness
*skips away in terror
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
G: But it shows every pee drip