Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

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Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.


The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.


You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?


Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.


Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.


ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.


[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.


wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving


My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.