Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.