Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
sensitive skin
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.