If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Does beer think about me too?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?