Don’t think you’re immune. We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Yes, a whim away…a whim away…a whim away.

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Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.


My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.


Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences


Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.


Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….

The Ginger Bred House.



*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?


If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.


doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you