Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago