“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?