Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

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(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)


[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”


I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.


*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*


Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet


Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.


Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.



Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.


Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it’s not that cold out!?

Me:So other Moms don’t judge me and talk shit, Buddy.