Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.

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I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.


Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.


{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?


Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.


Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.


Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.


When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.