jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
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Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
This could be us… but you playing
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why