“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*