@funnyordie

Don’t trust anybody who owns a working printer.

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@Miniwheats2012

If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.

@wendyraepearce

Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.

@blade_funner

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

@UncleDuke1969

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

@Kayditty

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

@tracietom

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

@Ristolable

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk