Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
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Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Pizza is an emotion right?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.