Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Yes, but it was never about money
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
me hooking up with my ex
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.