@FattMernandez

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

You Might Also Like

@surrealvehicle

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

@ShawnHatosy

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

@JonnyGoodTimes

My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her.

According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)

@Macar00ny

*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”

@SkinnerSteven

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

@MikeShor

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

@Donna_McCoy

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

@ClassyKentucky

T: Have you done your homework? S: You graded my test?
T: No I have other student’s stuff to grade S: I have other teacher’s homework to do.