The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
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morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her.
According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)
*shoots self in foot*
“Damn i like the metaphor better”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
T: Have you done your homework? S: You graded my test?
T: No I have other student’s stuff to grade S: I have other teacher’s homework to do.