Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
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Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.