Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
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be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.