@MissMalbec: Don't try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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@LackOfShame: Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.
@knew_nic: A friend’s 90 yo grandma just won an award for doing the most Jell-O shots in her retirement community. As if I needed more evidence that I’m not living my best life.
@IntrepidDeviant: So she was like, "Put on some protection". I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.