Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce