Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge