Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
be careful
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.