@WhaJoTalkinBout

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

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@gojarbe

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

@iscoff

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

@1MeLrO

If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink

What’s the point of them having a cell phone

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

@4handfuls

Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house…

@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

@daddydoubts

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

@QTAnon1

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get it for you.

@Mr_Kapowski

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”

– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house