Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
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Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well