“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
I’m selling my air guitar. The case is not included.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Break up with your boyfriend. I have coloring books at my house