@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

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@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.

@Thynebear

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

@Browtweaten

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

@robfee

I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.

@TheHyyyype

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

@PajamaStew

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: whatโ€™s wrong with these clothes?

@underalls

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar