@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

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@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

@loudmouth_usa

My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting

@SamuelHLowe

Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.

@PinkCamoTO

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

@cwhudson

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

@sofarrsogud

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

@iGreenMonk

Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.