Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*