@Rollinintheseat

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

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@Birdhumms

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

@AlmightyBored

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

@BuckyIsotope

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

@WigCannon

Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing

@parsfarce

me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now

@outsidemagazine

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

@3sunzzz

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

@SuperApple80

*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*