*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
consequences, the bane of my existence
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.