@Rollinintheseat

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

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@LaziestCanine

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

@realHamOnWry

Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.

@Jonesy_donkey

As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight

@lincnotfound

[first date]

waiter: and for you madam

her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare

waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir

me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive

@susafrican420

white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt

@JediGigi

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@AndyJokedAgain

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable