*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

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“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.


Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?


I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.


Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing


me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now


Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):


“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*


*walks my fingers along your leg closer and closer to your plate of cheese fries*