*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not