@Dani_Feld I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
@Carbosly Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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@Dani_Feld 
@bourgeoisalien I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
@Jandalize Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
@heyitsJudeD Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
@3sunzzz Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
@PondHockeyPro Mechanic: Start it up and let me hear it.
*starts car
Mechanic: Oh that doesn’t sound right.
Me: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE AND NOT AT SUBWAY
@omerwahaj Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
@CornOnTheGoblin me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
@nicfit75 Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
@Rollmaninoz Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman