Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
From my Mom
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.