@Carbosly

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

You Might Also Like

@Shade510

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

@katelynn_rae01

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

@HardlyUnDead

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

@Dave_in_SoPo

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

@Home_Halfway

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

@Diversion50

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

@Reverend_Scott

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

@AnniemuMary

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

@WilliamAder

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”