@Carbosly

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

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@Dani_Feld

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

@bourgeoisalien

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

@Jandalize

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

@heyitsJudeD

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

@3sunzzz

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

@PondHockeyPro

Mechanic: Start it up and let me hear it.

*starts car

Mechanic: Oh that doesn’t sound right.

Me: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE AND NOT AT SUBWAY

@omerwahaj

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

@Rollmaninoz

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman