Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
the noise i just made
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
This could be us… but you playing
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.