Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Otters see a butterfly.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.