In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle
My weekly retreat is simple: driving alone down country roads for a couple of hours with tunes cranked up and singing loudly to livestock.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:
1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat
Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.