@lordratsquirt

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

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@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

@andylassner

Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle

@4boding

My weekly retreat is simple: driving alone down country roads for a couple of hours with tunes cranked up and singing loudly to livestock.

@devc0ol

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

@dxblarssonENG

Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:

1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat

@StephJoLanders

Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.

@Glenny_Baby

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.