don’t we all
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i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.