@NicestHippo

Don’t worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won’t be able to find either

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@truegritrumble

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

@BlondAmbitionTO

I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”

@hythemafia

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

@abhorrent_wife

Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.

@elunatyk

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

@TheAlexNevil

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

@Fred_Delicious

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”