Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

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Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?


ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*


If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.


i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it


Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe


Judge: “Reason for divorce?”

Me: “Reconcilable differences.”

Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”

Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”


Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral


That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once


No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.


“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”