Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

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If he’s hot on your heels, dump him.

You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.


One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.


If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?


Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.


My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?


Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.


I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.


According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame


If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.