Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

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[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]

uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything


I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.


Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.


I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.


I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.


Her: your watch says you burned 500 calories at 3am? What the fuck were you doing?

Me: [ remembering I got high and was chasing a raccoon because I thought it was E.T]

I was cheating on you


*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island


My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.


If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.


Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe