@birbigs

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

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@daemonic3

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

@LittleMissAngr1

I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.

@extranapkins

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

@ihateitmunky

Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave

@SladeWentworth

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

@StinkyGr33n

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

@texasstalkermom

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

@tiemoose

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake