Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

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You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed


I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.


The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night


Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave


I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*


That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.


am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake