[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]
Me: This is not what I expected.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me: Can I try it out first?
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
How is tinder still free?