@GingerHotDish

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

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@TheRealPalMal

[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.

@StarWarsProblms

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

@ibid78

[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[me] aww
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

@dave_cactus

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

@PaperWash

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

@chuuew

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

@joeljeffrey

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.