Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Me trying to reach for my goals
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…