Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
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*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it