“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

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twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed


I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1


Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?




her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no


me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon


Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².


Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.


Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.


I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.