“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
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Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.